The Shifting Emotions of Grief

Photo Courtesy Healthline

I didn’t think it was possible to hate an entire month but somehow May manages to be a real shithole. Not only was my Mom taken from this month but ironically, she was also brought into the world this month as well. Oh yeah, and there’s Mother’s Day. Does it make me a terrible person to now call it a bullshit Holiday?? I go back and forth every year when this month rolls around. Some years I’m able to have some perspective and look back on our memories together and they make me smile. Other years, I’m filled with rage that she was taken from me and just want to be able to talk to her about well…anything. Tell her how my day was, what my struggles are and get her advice. While she ultimately left me to make my own decisions she always offered incredible advice.

I guess what I’m learning throughout my grieving process is that, whatever way I’m feeling is okay. And let me tell you it was quite the journey getting to this point. Especially when you feel guilty for feeling either one of those ways. When I’m angry or sad that she’s not here I feel bad because I should celebrate the already wonderful women I have in my life who are Moms. Then on the other end there’s this immense guilt for not being sad that she’s not here. To me, it proves that I’ve moved on and in some ways that’s not okay to move on without her in my life. And then there’s the guilt of faded memories. Trying to remember her voice. The last message I had from here was on my birthday. She sang me happy birthday and said, ‘to call whenever’ and that, ‘she’d always be there.’ I really don’t appreciate the lie she told in the last part of that message.

Some of the things that helps me cope are looking at old photos of us together; it just reminds me of how much she loved me and how much fun we had together and also making goulash, a pasta dish that she would always for our family. I haven’t written or posted about my Mom in a while and I guess a lot of feelings and memories came up when I had the realization that May 2nd was the day she passed. I was in such a haze for so long that I hadn't even realized when, or even how long ago she passed. And that’s not fair to her or her memory. So let me tell you about my Mom, as it states so eloquently in her obituary.

“June served her country in the U.S. Army and was a graduate of Sacred Heart Hospital School of Nursing. She not only served her Country and her patients with respect and love, but she also wholeheartedly cared and loved her family and friends unconditionally.  

She was a loving wife, Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Aunt, Great Aunt, and avid lover of animals. She could find the beauty in all of God’s creations. She was loved by so many. “



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